That explains a lot.

I haven't talked much about breastfeeding, but this has to be shared.

I breastfed Macy exclusively for about five months, then weaned her slowly until she was eight months. She has never been a good eater (still) and breastfeeding was absolutely no exception. I had to pump a lot because it was so much easier to feed her from a bottle.

Josh could not be more different. He has exclusively breastfed since day one and has only had one or two bottles. I'm starting to think about weaning because he's reaching that magical age of one year and I've had enough. I went online to look at how often I should be feeding him now to get an idea of how much milk he should be drinking when we're done. I stumbled across this awesome article about how breastfeeding moms are more aggressive than bottle-feeders or non-mothers. Here's the abstract and a link to the pretty hilarious article on babycenter.com (the comments are the best part). The study was done at UCLA on Utah mothers.

Maternal Defense
Breast Feeding Increases Aggression by Reducing Stress
Mothers in numerous species exhibit heightened aggression in defense of their young. This shift typically coincides with the duration of lactation in nonhuman mammals, which suggests that human mothers may display similarly accentuated aggressiveness while breast feeding. Here we report the first behavioral evidence for heightened aggression in lactating humans. Breast-feeding mothers inflicted louder and longer punitive sound bursts on unduly aggressive confederates than did formula-feeding mothers or women who had never been pregnant. Maternal aggression in other mammals is thought to be facilitated by the buffering effect of lactation on stress responses. Consistent with the animal literature, our results showed that while lactating women were aggressing, they exhibited lower systolic blood pressure than did formula-feeding or never-pregnant women while they were aggressing. Mediation analyses indicated that reduced arousal during lactation may disinhibit female aggression. Together, our results highlight the contributions of breast feeding to both protecting infants and buffering maternal stress.

http://blogs.babycenter.com/mom_stories/9-2-2011-lactating-moms-react-with-more-aggression/


 I have to say, I do feel more aggressive. I fight for things more (like at restaurants and stores) instead of just letting them go like I normally would. I thought all this was just because I was growing up and getting braver and stuff, but now I'm starting to wonder . . .

Having Two

Someone asked me recently if having two children was really that much harder than having one.

I was pretty baffled and I guess I misunderstood the question. I said that yes, having two was harder than having one, mostly because there's one of you and two of them (during the day, obviously).

She said, "Well, sure, but isn't it a bigger adjustment to have your first baby?" I kind of assented just to be agreeable and end the conversation (yep, I do that sort of thing), but I have to say that Josh was more of an adjustment for me than Macy.

know everyone is different, but for us having Macy was not that big of a deal. That doesn't sound right. Let me clarify. Yes, it was a huge, life-changing thing, but it's not like she was a big surprise or anything--you have nine months to get ready. And having a newborn, yes, everything is new, but they're usually not that hard to take care of. Their needs are simple. Sure, they keep you up at night, but you can nap with them. Having a newborn along with a 23-month-old who is used to having your undivided attention? And wakes up super early and only takes one nap a day (if you're lucky)? There's a whole new set of challenges.

For those who haven't had their second child yet, I don't mean to scare you or anything. I was completely freaked out about having Josh. I worried to no end about how Macy would react. I even felt guilty, like I was betraying Macy or something (weird, I know). But she surpassed my expectations and those first six months were much easier than I thought they'd be. Newborns sleep all the time. And if Macy needed anything it wasn't a big deal to put Josh down--he couldn't go anywhere.

And then the crawling started.

Typical conversation

This morning Greg laughed at a "conversation" Macy and I were having. Here's an idea of how it went.

-Mama!

-What, Macy?

-Mama!

-What, sweet girl?

-Mama!

-Macy, what do you need?

-Mama!

-Yes, Macy, what do you need?

-Mama! I "shoose."

-Do you want juice or shoes?

-Yay! Shoose!

-You want juice?

-Shoose. Yeah, yeah.

-Okay, just a minute.

-Mama!

Anyway, you get the idea. What fun.

Sleep (or lack thereof)

We don't get to sleep through the night. Not because of Josh. He started sleeping through the night at about two months and still sleeps a good eight to ten hours at a stretch. Macy, on the other hand, continues with her ups and downs.

After our last bout with sleeplessness (which simply involved having a hard time getting her to sleep, after which she slept, well, like a baby) she suddenly changed her mind and decided she'd go to sleep on her own again.

Unfortunately, she decided again that she needs company to fall asleep. So we spend somewhere between 15 minutes to an hour (sometimes as much as two hours) sitting with her. She tosses, turns, fidgets, wiggles, plays, talks, whispers, kicks, smiles, giggles, cries, and yells. Anything to keep herself from drifting off.

That's frustrating, but we've actually dealt with it before. Unfortunately, she also started waking up in the middle of the night. Usually at least twice. Sometimes she falls right back to sleep, sometimes it takes a while. Then she wakes up around 7:00 a.m., 7:30 at the latest.

Today and yesterday I've given up on naptime (after an hour and a half) and made her play in her room so I can have a break. Because she's very two even when she does get enough sleep.

I do not know what else to try. I do know that I've had enough. It's a good thing Josh is more patient than I am.

Like a kid at Christmas

I think I love Christmas more every year. The birth of the Savior is and has always been a wonderful part of this time of year for me, and I love remembering and celebrating that aspect of the holiday. In the last few years, I've definitely gotten more into the spirit of love and giving that comes with this time of year.

I always thought that the idea of getting more joy from giving than receiving was one of those lies or half-truths adults tell to try to teach you a lesson. There was nothing more exciting growing up than waking up early (or being woken up early by brothers), waiting at the top of the stairs until everyone was ready, and finally seeing the Christmas tree with what seemed like a mountain of presents under it (my parents wisely kept almost everything hidden until after we went to bed on Christmas Eve).

As I grew up and started earning my own money I began getting excited about getting gifts for others. It's great to see a big smile on someone's face and know that you're the reason it's there. Buying gifts for my family is one of the coolest things ever. I love the planning, the careful budgeting (though I wish I didn't have to be quite so careful), the shopping, the wrapping, and, of course, the unwrapping.

I'm still way excited to see what I'll be surprised with. But I'm more excited to see Macy on Christmas morning. (Josh won't be too exciting this year, but I definitely enjoyed getting his gifts.)

Here's a video from last Christmas. I can't believe how much this little girl has grown up in the last year! Those little curls almost make me want to crop her hair. (Don't worry, Mom, I said almost.)

3 more days!

Macy's Room

All right, I'll admit it: I'm going a little bit crazy. Greg is out of town and as I already said, I have no new pictures to post. So here's a random post that is really just an attempt to keep myself busy. (I guess I could do the laundry . . .)

I'm having a very hard time resisting going out and spending money we don't have on stuff we don't really need (at least not immediately) for my babies. We do have everything we need for "Josh" (we're still calling him Josh, but still don't know if that will be his name), at least in the short term. The next step is preparing Macy's "big girl room" so that when Josh outgrows the bassinet we can move him into the "baby" room.

So I've spent hours online searching for toddler beds and other furniture (or ideas for furniture we can make ourselves). Since I don't have new pictures of Macy, here are pictures of what her room will hopefully look like eventually.
 

This is a scale diagram of her future bedroom.  Since you can't read the text, clockwise from top left: the door (it's set back from the wall so that's why it's just a dotted line), dollhouse bookcase, dresser, bed, night table, bench, closet door path.
Yes, I'm bored.

This is the bed we're getting. Yep, it's cheap. Yay for Wal-Mart (sorry, Amber).

Here's something I'm still on the fence about. Does a two-year-old need a night table? Probably not. But it fills a little hole in my diagram. Yes, that's really my reason.

This is a $300 bookcase from Pottery Barn Kids. Greg and I are going to try to make one. We're thinking it won't be too hard. I had never thought of using a dollhouse as a bookcase, but I love it.

I don't have pictures of the dresser or the bench. We're refinishing my old dresser (thanks, mom and dad) and the bench is one of those unfinished do-it-yourself things on clearance at Michael's.

So there you are. Making plans like this makes me feel more like a parent. (Because taking care of a baby for two years isn't enough, I guess.)

Oreos, hairstyles, and nesting

How is it that a child under two years old knows intuitively that Oreos come apart and you can skip the cookie and go straight for the filling?


Here's Macy's latest dress. I love her little dresses. I've also been working on hairstyles lately. Macy's hair is long enough that I could easily pull it all back, but it seems like blasphemy to hide her little ringlets in a ponytail. So here she is with a little side ponytail.


And today we tried half-up.


And she needed a picture with me because she loves the camera.


Yesterday the nesting instincts kicked in with full force. I made my list of everything we need to buy, made an accurate scale layout of Macy's future room (she's moving to the "big-girl room" after the baby is born), and then Greg helped me go through all of Macy's baby clothes in search of unisex items.

I was also looking at old baby pictures again and getting all nostalgic and excited to have a little roly-poly baby again.

Some random stuff

Last night I was thinking that there are some things I want to remember but haven't blogged about yet. So here's a list.

• We went to the outer banks (the beach) a few weeks ago with some friends. Macy loved to stand on the shore and let the waves crash over her (holding on tight to our hands, of course).
• I hate, hate, hate humidity. It is horribly uncomfortable outside all day and well after the sun goes down.
  
• This baby boy (yep, still no name) is a wiggler. He likes to push and kick and punch in all the places that make me feel like I could maybe go crazy by the time he's born. I remember seeing Macy move a few times toward the end of the pregnancy, but I see this kid moving all the time. Weird how different he is.
• Macy is the awesomest baby ever. It's funny to remember what struggles we had with getting her to sleep. These days, nine times out of ten, she goes to sleep without a fight. If she doesn't it's usually because she needs something. We put her in bed, she rolls over to her tummy with her face to her left side and cuddles up with a teddy bear. We cover her with her blanket and she kicks her legs up a little so her feet hang out. She closes her eyes, sighs a little, and goes to sleep. So cute.
• I was called as the Primary chorister about a month ago. I have definitely never had such a challenging calling. It requires a great deal of preparation every week and I never quite know if I'm doing a good job or not. And those kids can be really hard to handle. But it's a lot of fun too.
• Greg and I were finally caught: we had to speak in Sacrament Meeting on Sunday. Our topic: commandments. It was really good for us to work together on them and I think we both learned a lot.
• Macy likes nursery. Woo hoo! Greg had to stay with her for a few weeks, but she's staying on her own now and doing well.
• We don't go on dates without Macy. I think we've left her with someone outside of our family . . . twice. Time to work on that.
• I like being a mom. It sure can be hard, but right now it's a pretty good gig.

And here's a list of some of the things Macy can say and some rough definitions.

• mamamamamamama! = I want something and I want it now.
• shee shee = cheese
• zhu zhu = juice
• shoose = shoes
• boom = she says this when she wants a fist bump
• uh-oh
  
• wow
• oh wow!
• whoa
  
• mmmm = yummy
• mm + a nod = yes

She also says something every time she falls and says something like thanks, but I can't translate them.

Boredom?

I wrote this a few weeks ago when I was feeling a bit . . . down in the dumps, for lack of a better phrase. I missed my family, my friends, and my (former) home. I've been feeling a lot better about things lately (probably because I leave the apartment at least once a week) but I thought I'd post it anyway.

---

As a result of having too much quiet time to myself, I've been catching up on what people are doing. I see pictures of friends on vacation, read about the jobs and travels of others and find myself getting a bit envious.

Increasingly lately I've been playing the "What if . . . ?" game. Macy is generally the key subject in this game.

Today I came to a realization. If we didn't have Macy we would still be here in Texas. We would still be unable to travel this summer because of Greg's job requirements. I would probably still be unemployed. Perhaps most importantly, my life would be very empty. Macy has changed my life in so many good ways. I feel more confident and comfortable in new situations, I'm responding much better to others and being much more open and friendly as a result. I'm a better and happier person.

Just thought I'd throw that out there.

The Week in Review

Here's an update on what's been happening around here.

Wednesday
Macy's bilirubin levels were a bit high (barely out of the normal range), so she had to spend the night under the "bililight," a fluorescent blue light that helps lower the bilirubin levels. The more common name for it is jaundice, and it's just the result of the new liver not working quite as well as it needs to. She got to wear funny goggles that reminded me of the TV room in Willy Wonka. As a result, we got an extra night's stay in the hospital to make sure her levels stayed down. I got to stay with her because my blood pressure still isn't behaving.

Thursday
We got to go home on Thursday! It was nice to finally get rid of my IV and wear normal clothes. It was fun to dress Macy in her own clothes (my mom, sister, and sister-in-law brought us some preemie clothes--the newborn clothes were huge!).

Macy also failed her carseat test (they put the baby in her seat for 90 minutes and monitor her oxygen level; as with the bilirubin levels, she barely failed, but the nurses wanted to err on the side of caution), so I have to ride in the backseat with her for a while. I've never seen Greg drive so carefully--he used his blinker for every lane change, went over bumps and dips at a snail's pace, etc. It was very sweet.

My mom came to stay with us and brought me dinner from Chili's to make up for my days of hospital food.

Friday
The only thing of note that occurred on Friday was Greg's first day back to work. The proud daddy wasn't very happy about the prospect of nine whole hours away from his baby. I also went in to my doctor to have my blood pressure checked and, surprise surprise, it was still ridiculously high.

Saturday
Saturday is one day that I don't care much to remember. The nursing war I've been waging with Macy reached an all-time high that lasted all day. The poor thing screamed herself hoarse at one point. I was exhausted, Greg and my mom were exhausted, and Macy was exhausted (not to mention starving). Because of her low birthweight, Macy wasn't waking up on her own when she was hungry, but it was important that she eat regularly so that she could start gaining weight. So first we'd battle to wake her up, then repeatedly attempt to get her to start eating, then struggle to keep her awake and eating for at least ten minutes.

Fortunately, she's been great since then. She's waking up on her own (day and night) and it's all getting easier.

Sunday
We had lots of visitors on Sunday. The whole family came down to have dinner with us and to take my mom away from me.

Monday
We had a follow-up visit with the pediatrician to check Macy's bilirubin levels and weight (usually you don't have an appointment until two weeks after birth, but because of her size and the jaundice they wanted to check her sooner). The doctor decided based on her skin tone that we didn't need to test for bilirubin levels (it requires a prick on the heel to draw some blood). She weighed 5 lbs, 3 oz, which means she's doing great. Her birthweight was 4 lbs, 15 oz, and when we left the hospital she weighed 4 lbs, 9 oz. I had them check my blood pressure while we were there and, you guessed it, it was still too high.

Monday was the first day Macy woke up regularly on her own. Her umbilical cord fell off (faster than they normally do), so we don't have to worry about that anymore and can give her real baths now.

Tuesday
I don't think anything too exciting happened Tuesday, but that night she leaked through her diaper twice. That was sure fun to deal with at 1 and 4 in the morning. We've switched diapers.

Wednesday
I had my blood pressure checked again. It's still high, but going down very slowly. I gave Macy a bath and got brave enough to properly wash her hair (i.e., without a waschcloth).

That's about it. Life's good. Being a mom is great.